Many women fall silent after miscarriage for many many reasons.
I have been pretty silent about it to most people, including the blog.
I started seeing a therapist a few weeks after having the miscarriage, but even there I don’t really talk about it.
I finally called to make an appointment with a therapist after the miscarriage, but also the sale of my rental property fell through, my dog got hit by a car (he’s OK, just a costly vet bill). Work had given me more responsibilities.. Just a massive accumulation of stress.
This is consistent with how my life has always been. One significant stress and then multiple more significant stresses usually come at the same time.
I’ll be honest. I don’t feel strongly about the miscarriage. Maybe I just “guard” myself and don’t allow myself to feel a lot of grief, but I don’t.
I cried and felt sad a lot when I had the first ultrasound with no heart beat. I knew at that point it was going to be a loss. The next 3 days felt like an eternity when I had the 2nd ultrasound when there was a faint heart beat. The doctors confirmed again that this isn’t likely going to be a viable pregnancy. I cried again, I started accepting the loss but still kept a glimmer of hope. 7 days later my 3rd and final ultrasound showed no development and an even slower lower heart beat.
I had accepted that this wasn’t going to be a healthy pregancy and was ready to move on and try again.
I took the drugs, took a few days but I finally passed the “products of conception” maybe I’m a freak but I saw the tiny embryo portion … I felt sad but I’m glad I got to see this little guy and say goodbye.
A few days later I had a follow up exam to make sure everything was passed and the cervix had closed.
They told me I would need to wait until my HCG levels declined to 0.
Right now I’m sitting in the waiting room at quest to take my 3rd blood test. They think that I should be down to 0 this week.
Once I hit 0 we can start planning my next FET. I’m ready to go on to a new cycle. I’ve been not pregnant for almost a month now.
I indulged on my month off, I had sushi, I had McDonalds, I had some beer and wine. I had coffee almost every day. Baked cookies and brownies (with real sugar!)
I’m ready to get back on the horse and hopefully will be pregnant by this time next month.
I don’t want to belittle the extreme emotion that many women/couples feel when there is an early pregancy loss. I know it is extremely taxing for many. Everyone is different, I feel like I should be more sad or more consumed with grief and loss, maybe it’s part of the process and more emotions will come later, I don’t know.
I’m sure milestones will hurt, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget the baby that could have been. I’d like to think of this short pregnancy as a blessing, as a sign that a healthy pregnancy is coming, as confirmation that YES I can and will get pregnant.