What To Do When Infertility Is Ruining Your Sex Drive.

I’m 7 days post-miscarriage. The bleeding is pretty much done. I’m starting to think about sex. Prior to the miscarriage I was told not to have sex after embryo transfer, until the pregnancy was stable. That was August 2nd, it’s now September 15th..

We had sex once, the day my doctor prescribed me cytotec, we had sex before I took the medication knowing I will be asked to remain abstinent for at least another week or two. I didn’t enjoy sex that day, how could I when I know my baby is gone. I was doing it as “my wifely duty”.

I’ll be clear, this was 100% my idea. The sex actually wasn’t painful, like it usually is for me during ovulation time.

It’s been over 3 years of trying and failing to become pregnant. Our sex life is so much different than it was before infertility.

It used to be fun, enjoyable, not a duty or an obligation. I need help to get it back to normal/good.

How can I enjoy sex when its painful?

How can I communicate what I like and don’t like? I’ve always been very passive during sex, I don’t make my needs a priority.

How can we remove the baby making stigma? I think interest/stamina is decreased because of repeat “failures”. Is it possible to have sex with out thinking that we are broken?

How can I get him to be more romantic, engage in foreplay?

I don’t feel sexy anymore.

Where I’m Going to Start:

  1. I’m going to start seeing a marriage/family therapist next week. I don’t know if this will help but it probably won’t hurt. I’ve been stressed about so many things hopefully this will give me some focus and ideas on how to improve certain areas.
  2. I am going to actively pursue my husband. I am going to try to make myself “in the mood”.
  3. I am going to avoid having sex during ovulation! WHOA. So for the last few years I’ve been basically forcing myself to have sex frequently when it is most painful. I really think I’ve traumatized myself. NOW that I have frozen embryos to transfer, maybe I can let go of the idea of having sex frequently during ovulation (since it doesn’t get me pregnant anyways!!)
  4. I am going to try to read some books/ articles on how to improve sexual relationships.
  5. CONSIDERING having a “difficult” conversation with Hubby as to how he thinks our sexual relationship is and where he may believe improvements may be needed.

Any ideas or suggestions please leave a comment! Obviously this is a hard/taboo subject to talk about but it is an important aspect of a relationship.

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