My 8 week ultrasound today was not good. The baby had not grown at all since last week. There was still a heartbeat, but it was even slower only 82 bpm.
There is no more question, this pregnancy is not going to make it full term. I only shed a few tears today while driving back from the clinic. I feel sad, empty, and somewhat angry too. Maybe I’m still numb to the loss. I guess it helps that I’ve been expecting this for 2 weeks now, each visit losing more and more hope.
My life has pretty much crashed and burned in the last week.
- I’ve been in the process of selling my rental property for a few months now, the closing was supposed to be last week. The buyer backed out at the last-minute, leaving me hanging with an empty unit and a possible lawsuit against me if I try to get the deposit from them.
- My dog was hit by a truck Friday morning when I was getting ready for work. Hubby was in bed and heard the screeching and hit. We ran out. The driver was saying how sorry he was how he didn’t see him until the last-minute. I was bawling my eyes out. We couldn’t find him anywhere. I could only picture him dying alone on the side of the road in pain. We eventually found him, bleeding but alive. $550 worth of vet care and he’s home with some stitches.
- My truck broke down
- Work has increased my responsibilities
- My one and only pregnancy is ending at only 8 weeks
I could go on and on about how my life has always been a shit show crash and burn marathon. But every single time I choose to rise up.
I don’t have the luxury to dwell on all of the unfortunate events that occur in my life and complain about how unfair it is.
You know how it is, if you’re reading this you’re probably infertile too, or having a miscarriage. So you probably understand the anger I feel at everyone else who lives a “normal life” who doesn’t have to struggle for every achievement in life.
I chose to take the cytotec (Misoprostol) to induce the miscarriage so it doesn’t drag out for weeks. The doctor also prescribed percoset for the pain. I bought a giant pack of overnight pads. Hubby was sweet and cooked me some dinner. Some one I know had taken this, warned me to keep something near by to throw up in.
So far its been 2.5 hours and I haven’t had any bleeding yet but I am starting to feel some cramping.
I’m already planning my next cycle. The end of the year is coming up fast. I need to use my insurance benefits to the max since next year I may not have insurance. I asked to have laparoscopic surgery in the meantime while my HCG levels drop. Is it weird that I hope that I have something wrong with my tubes? I’d love to have some answers as to why I have infertility. Hopefully they can even fix it.
I think I’m going to call a therapist, I don’t know if I need help, or if talking will help but it’s worth a try. My life feels overwelhming right now and I have no one to really open up to. Mostly by choice, I’m sure friends and family would listen and try to comfort me, but I feel like I would be a burden that way, and too vunerable for my comfort level.
Then another FET. Maybe medicated this time? I don’t really want to do a medicated cycle but I’m not sure how quickly my cycle will return to normal so it might be quicker to do a medicated cycle.